9/16-20: SITTING IN LIMBO

Cary made it back from Houston, TX on Sunday.  He had been so frustrated to be away from Manhattan, unable to see for himself what was happening, unable to offer assistance in a direct way.

I thought I would have been back in my apartment by this time, but Cary said it was fine for me to stay as long as I needed.  I stayed most of that week on his couch.   I was glad to not be alone.  Our friends came over nightly.  We watched hour after hour of CNN and New York 1, drinking seltzer water and diet Dr. Pepper, discussing America’s response and how our culture might be forever changed by this act.  We analyzed the players, everything we heard and speculated about what we were not hearing. 

One night Tim and Tracey were over we watched Jimmy Stewart’s “Harvey”.  Tracey pointed out the Buddhist aspects of the movie.   Although I have always loved this movie, and in fact named one of my cars after the six-foot invisible rabbit, I had never watched the movie critically. It was a relief to think about something besides war, terror and grief.

My nightmares started during this week.  I was already having anxiety attacks in my sleep, waking up with huge jolts of adrenaline, sweating and heart racing.  But the first nightmare starred a flying machine resembling a preying mantis.  It flew in the window and hovered over me as I lay on the couch.  It had been sent by the terrorists to watch me.  I threw my blanket over it to trap it.  When I woke up, my blanket was across the room in a pile on the floor.

I didn’t get any work done this week.  I had my laptop and phone charger with me so I didn’t need to go to the office to communicate with the outside world.

One day, while watching CNN with Cary, I decided that I really did not like the name of the forming response operation, “Infinite Justice.”  I sent an email to President Bush:

<< 

President Bush and Staff:

First let me say that you are doing an excellent job of leading our nation through this tragedy.   I live in New York City, in Battery Park City, and was home to witness the attack.   My world and sense of self changed drastically in that instant I watched the second jet hit and realized we were under attack.

I support your efforts to eradicate terrorism from the globe and will look for ways to help in my daily life.  I am asking you, however, to reconsider the name of this Operation.  "Infinite Justice" says to me, "endless pursuit of revenge".   Revenge is a powerful motivator, but doesn't fill the heart.  Revenge is not righteous.   And I don't think this will garner as much support as something which says "make the world safe from evil."  The name should conjure images of the final desired outcome, which is peace rather than revenge.

best,

Mary A. Bourke

New York, New York

>> 

I didn’t actually know if he was doing a good job or not, but what I really wanted was the name of the Operation changed, so I thought a little buttering-up was appropriate.

A few days later, they changed the Operation name from “Infinite Justice” to “Enduring Freedom.” 

“This is not about revenge,” stated Rumsfeld at a press conference. 

I don’t know if they got my email, but I certainly felt that I had been heard.